A little bit of News

So, yesterday I went in for a "no worries" ultrasound. With every pregnancy I seem to measure small, and my docs always freak out a bit, so I usually get a few extra sneak peaks at baby before the births. (I joke that I hide my uterus in my butt, because my kids always seem to come out healthy, plump, and never under 8 lbs.) The extra ultrasounds are always welcome because its fun to see the baby all scrunched in there, and know that all is well.
Yesterdays' ultrasound went well too. Rich and I left there feeling confident that baby was fine, and even more looking forward to the day that we will hold him/her.
As we were sitting outside eating dinner, the phone rang and someone left a r-e-a-l-l-y long message on the machine. I came in a few minutes later, and found out it was my midwife calling to discuss some strange findings from the ultrasound. She said genetics would call me in the morning and wanted to talk to me first, so that a stranger wouldn't break the news that something might be wrong with baby.
I had to really lean on the counter for a few minutes. After that became uncomfortable, I found a chair to sit in, and called her back. Long story short, the "findings" could be completely wrong, but there is a possibility that little one has a cleft lip and palate. Nothing life threatening, but a wrench in my plans for sure. In order to rule this out, or confirm, we will have to do a follow up ultrasound (most likely in the city) and meet with a team of perinatal specialists to go over the details.
Best case scenario is that this is just a fluke. That there was a shadow, or the picture wasn't as clear as it could be. The midwife, and doc who reviewed the ultrasound both noted that there was no sign of this on our first ultrasound at 18 weeks. If there was a problem, it would have definitely been there. When I heard this, I went racing back to my stash of ultrasound pics searching for a face shot of baby. I have one. Full face. I am no tech, but I see nothing wrong with it.
If a cleft lip and palate is the case, feedings will be difficult, weight gain for baby will be closely monitored (as in daily appts for weight gain) and there will be a series of surgeries to fix the problem. Nursing will most likely be out of the question, because getting a good latch won't be possible. I am weeping as I write this. I am weeping not only for my own selfish reason of not being able to nurse my baby, but also the fact that this little one will endure pain and suffering to fix the problem.
So, today I wait. I put on my "brave" face for the 3 little ones who look to me for strength and support. I can't stop the tears from leaking out of my eyes, but when the urge to sob comes I leave the room, and lock myself in the bathroom and pray. I pray for peace. I pray for an answer, and quickly. I pray that this baby is perfectly and wonderfully made, and that all this is a fluke, a shadow, or some other random happening. I pray for sleep in the interim.
In all my prayers though, I am trying to be so incredibly thankful. I am thankful for my husband who is strong, who is the leader of my house, who let me cry and leave snot all over his shoulder last night after the phone call. I am thankful for the knowledge that my friends and family will come alongside of us in either situation and rejoice with us, or support us through what we will go through. I am thankful that the neighbor didn't see me dry heaving on the lawn after I got off the phone with the doctor. I am thankful for the family, and friends who have called or texted and prayed with me. I am thankful for the experience to carry this last little one, perfect little face or not.
And now, I will excuse myself to go to my bathroom, and cry a bit more. I will then dry my eyes, and make myself presentable to the outside world. Eyelash curlers and mascara are only going to do so much good today....
I will update soon.